Entering New Life

This week, on the first day of class, the professor, during our History Of Christianity I class, put some questions on the board for us students to discuss with each other in small groups. Then he said that our answers were not the most important part. What's more important, he said, was to explore together. 

On Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday last week, at the School of Theology all of us students were in Orientation. On Wednesday, the other first year students and I, as well as second year students and third year students, gathered for concerns more focused on the Master's of Divinity degree we're pursuing. On Thursday and Friday, we had orientation for the most part more generally for all of the students in the School of Theology, thus including students pursuing other degrees.  On Wednesday, as M.Div. students, we were on what was much like a retreat. In addition to getting to know each other better, we were also meditating on certain Benedictine values, especially stability, since St. John's University here is a Benedictine university.  We were pondering stability not as merely enduring, nor as simply remaining in place, but as actively engaging with the process where we are in life, openly embracing what it has to offer so we can grow.  At some points in my life, certain...

I'm about to skip back to something that happened last week. First, though, a little background.  As some of you already know, three years ago I stopped being a monk in Big Sur because I realized I didn't have the grace to be celibate and because I admitted that I hope to get married one day. Then, once I stopped being a monk, some of the other monks, who live in Berkeley, were so kind and generous as to let me stay in the guest house of the monastery in Berkeley as I looked for a job.  With that background, I jump back to last week. I was sitting in a cafe in Cheyenne, Wyoming, having one of those moments in which I was feeling that my new circumstances, of being in a very small graduate program at a university on the grounds of a monastery, are not amenable to me hopefully meeting a woman and getting married. And then, as I had thought countless times previously, yet again I remembered that my dating life had been much more prolific when I was living in the guest house of a ...

Two days ago, on Friday morning, I arrived here at St John's University in Collegeville, Minnesota. Since then I've been unpacking and settling in here.  I've been feeling so fortunate to be here, meeting returning students here at the graduate level School of Theology, as well as meeting other students like me, who are beginning the Master's of Divinity program. I'm excited about sharing spiritual community with them, being strengthened together on our spiritual journeys, and learning from our attentive, warm and caring professors and other mentors I've been meeting. I'm also very grateful for the scholarship I've been awarded, and the free housing I've been enjoying in the dorm here on campus. I've also been thankful for the kitchens here in the dorm where we can prepare our meals, and for the laundry machines here on the floor where I live.  This morning I attended Sunday Mass at the Abbey Church here on campus.  Given how my needs are so well...

I was just laughing. For those of you who know me well, you won't be surprised to hear that.  I just texted one of the second year Master's of Divinity students, asking her where I can go to buy some basic grocery staples like milk to tide me over for a few days. That might seem like an odd question, because you might think that a grocery store is an easy thing to find. However, after my drive the last few days in the Midwest, I can tell you that it is not always so. I've driven into what I expect to be a town, and sometimes I find no businesses that I can spot where I can buy anything, Hence my text to the second year student where I can buy some basic groceries on my way to the university.  I was laughing about it because it suddenly I was thinking something like, "How different from the existence I just left in California!" 

Forces are shifting, and topography is changing. I have felt that each one has been reflecting challenges for me, as well as momentum I've been gaining on this journey.  On the first day I started this momentous drive, I felt as if there was a force making it more difficult for me to go forward. As I was ascending into the Sierra Nevada mountain range via Interstate 80, I felt that more than gravity was challenging me in my attempt to leave loved ones to pursue my aspirations. With all of the love I shared in California, I can say that emotional attachments are not to be underestimated. And with them goes a spiritual challenge, even a temptation. CS Lewis put it so well in his short book "The Screwtape Letters." In that thin volume, he spins the tale of a senior devil named Screwtape, who is coaching a junior demon named Wormwood on how to tempt souls. Screwtape advises Wormwood that when people initially start out on new endeavors, they are much more susceptible to tempt...

I got an early start this morning. I started driving while it was still dark.  While I was still driving in Nevada, in between Fernley and Lovelock, this morning before the sun had risen, I was listening to Peter Gabriel. As I heard him singing, "I hear You calling me on from the great escape," it led me to reflect on my journey. I feel I hear God calling me. I feel like that's a separate question from whether or not one is discerning properly. But I feel like I addressed discernment related to my current journey in my first blog post on this new blog.  In that particular lyric, there's also the question of the great escape. Certainly I don't feel that, and leaving the position I just left, I was escaping from my supervisor and my coworkers, who are just fantastic people, who, if anything, were reasons for me to stick around. As far as the job I just left, I think it gets back to the question of whether one is pursuing one's deep joy. And if one isn't, the...

Today was my last day in California. This morning I attended Mass at Incarnation Monastery in Berkeley with the spiritual community I've cherished there. Then I went to brunch with some friends, and then I packed the last of my effects into my car, and I started driving.  I hadn't thought about how appropriate it was, when weeks ago, I put the CD of the album "Life's Rich Pageant" by the band REM in my 6 CD player in my car. And then, soon after I left the Bay Area, as I was listening to the first song on that album, I felt it was an apropos commentary on this shift and life change that I'm making, as I heard Michael Stipe sing, "Let's begin again..." Then, this afternoon, I drove for a couple of hours, and then I visited my former job coach Judi in Roseville. And she was the last friend I saw before leaving California on my way to entering Nevada where I am as I write this particular blog post.  As I was driving today, I did feel a little separa...

Yesterday was my last day at my job. Although for the past two years I've had an outstanding supervisor, and numerous co-workers I've warmly treasured, today I start a new life.  Well, really, we don't have to wait until the next day to start anew. With each hour, in each minute, in a second, we can choose to make a change.  Constantly re-evaluating, often I've pondered where I've been, who I've been, and who I've wanted to be. Repeatedly considering whether I have been called to shift, to adjust, to pivot, I feel has been one of the lessons of my life.  We don't have to keep doing what we're doing. Especially if we feel unfulfilled, or if we're concerned that we're compromising our principles, or not being our truest, best selves, then we should seriously discern whether we are called to make changes.  We are called to feel fulfilled. Often I have recalled the guidance of Frederich Buechner that "The place God calls you to is the place ...